A friend of mine posted this video. It’s Coldplay’s Fix You. It immediately took me back to 2007. I lost my father and my uncle in a period of a month. The last two remaining adult males in my family were gone. It was honestly one of the darker seasons in my life. I was learning how to mourn the loss of two incredibly important people in my life at the same time. I remember listening to this song over and over again and holding onto hope as I sang the line, “Light will guide you home…and ignite your bones.”
Grief is such a human experience. It wreaks havoc with our bodies. I remember being paralyzed as the white hot emotions pulsed through my veins. Joy was so hard to find in those moments. Death was upon my family in such a profound and shattering way. As much as my dad and uncle lived great lives, I missed them…deeply. They were shining lights in my life, even when I didn’t realize it. “Tears stream down your face…when you lose something you cannot replace.”
What made it harder was that we were in the midst of the holidays. In some ways we felt the need to be happy…but we weren’t. I remember being acutely aware of some of the expectations that come with the season…and being reminded of how hard it is to keep face. I chose to grieve instead telling people I was not joyous or happy. The birth of Jesus was suddenly twinged with death. It was a subtle reminder of why Jesus came in the first place, although it provided no real comfort in the moment.
Over time these moments have made me a little more aware of people’s emotions during the holidays. It’s not all turkey and smiles. I’m learning to look a little deeper behind the fake smile and allow people to be human, in the midst of conflict.
