Where is the safest place to put our anger?
Some of you may have heard that Adam Walker Cleveland lost his twin sons in the middle of the pregnancy. It’s one of those things that has no real point of ground. There’s just no words or thoughts that can bring a sense of peace to these kind of moments. As Adam painfully states, it just sucks.
So I appreciate Adam’s honesty in his post “Yelling At God.” Adam chose to share his heart in the moment of deepest pain.
Yesterday I took a ride on my scooter out to Morgan Territory – an area that has a lot of hikes just outside of Livermore. It was a beautiful day out and I thought that while Sarah got a massage, I would take a ride. As I got out into the country, I found myself praying to God in my head and letting God know about my frustrations with what has happened in the past few days. However, as I got further out of town, I found myself beginning to audibly start talking to God and eventually found myself yelling at God.
I don’t feel the need to write out everything I said – primarily because I know some of the people who read this blog would not want to see those words. But they were things that I needed to say out loud. Certainly nothing God didn’t already know, but it was important for me to yell these things at God. Essentially – this was my “giving God the middle finger moment.”
A younger version of me would have been pretty scared to hear the things I was saying to God…but I’m not worried. There is a biblical precedent for being pissed at God. And I’m pissed. This is unfair. It’s wrong. It sucks. It’s not what was supposed to happen. It’s not what Sarah and I should have to be going through.
When we got home from the hospital on Monday night, I was just so mad. And I still am. And I know that probably won’t go away for awhile. And God knows that I’m mad. And God can take it. God can take my profanity, my anger, my tears and anything else that I might bring to God.
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me,
so far from the words of my groaning?
My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, but I find no rest.
I am grateful for Adam’s words today. For he chose to share his gift of pain. I needed that reminder of what it means to be human in the moments when life seems to conspire against us. Yet Adam chose to bring it to God.
It’s so easy to miss that one of the deepest purposes of the cross is the place where we pour out our anger. The cross is God recognizing we need a place to put it. So God says, “Give it to me.” And in this space it becomes our redemption.