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Finding The Person

Posted Jun 4 2010 by Jonathan Brink in , with 19 Comments

This is in many ways a confession post.

I’ve been married more than fifteen years.  This last year my wife and I had to come to terms with what it really meant to be married.  To move forward we had to seek help and learn to rebuild our marriage.  It has been a painful process in many regards.  It has caused me to honestly face some of my own BS, stuff I don’t always like facing.

Recently I came to understand that over the course of my marriage I’ve learned to construct an image of my wife that has at times taken over.  I’ve created an image of who I thought she should be, rather than who she is.  I projected an image of a wife that I thought she should be.  And the cost of that was that I lost the person inside. But before my wife is my wife, she is first a person, a human being created in the image of God.  She has dignity and meaning that came long before any marriage agreement.

Rebuilding my marriage has meant letting go of my projections.  I had to find the person inside, the one that is created in the image of God.  Doing this has created a tremendous amount of fear.  I’m bent towards holding onto control. But in doing so I was killing my marriage.  And the worst part is that I was blaming my wife for my expectations.

Sometimes its hard to find the person inside.

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About the Author

Jonathan BrinkI am an business development and communications consultant. I am also the senior editor and publisher for Civitas Press. I recently published, Discovering The God Imagination: Reconstructing A Whole, New Christianity. (Civitas, 2011)View all posts by Jonathan Brink →

  • http://radicalloveproject.com Angela Harms

    Love, love, love. That's all.

  • http://radicalloveproject.com Angela Harms

    Love, love, love. That's all.

  • Lisa Leavell

    Jonathan, Thanks for sharing. So often we project an image that we have it all together in our marriage and I think that only makes it harder on us and those around us to feel like it's ok to have “issues” in our marriage. Let's face it, no one really ever taught us how to do this marriage thing or even to resolve conflict in a healthy way. Marriage takes so much work, and yes is often painful, mostly because it is painful to face our stuff. I think the more open honest conversation about our struggles we have the better off we will all be, letting each other see our humanity can be so freeing. Grace to you and your wife.

  • Lisa Leavell

    Jonathan, Thanks for sharing. So often we project an image that we have it all together in our marriage and I think that only makes it harder on us and those around us to feel like it's ok to have “issues” in our marriage. Let's face it, no one really ever taught us how to do this marriage thing or even to resolve conflict in a healthy way. Marriage takes so much work, and yes is often painful, mostly because it is painful to face our stuff. I think the more open honest conversation about our struggles we have the better off we will all be, letting each other see our humanity can be so freeing. Grace to you and your wife.

  • http://jonathanbrink.com Jonathan Brink

    “What's love got to do with it, got to do with it?” ;-P

  • http://jonathanbrink.com Jonathan Brink

    “What's love got to do with it, got to do with it?” ;-P

  • http://jonathanbrink.com Jonathan Brink

    Lisa, I struggled with posting this but in the end I hope that it will cause us to begin those types of conversation.

  • http://jonathanbrink.com Jonathan Brink

    Lisa, I struggled with posting this but in the end I hope that it will cause us to begin those types of conversation.

  • Mike Reynolds

    Way to step up brother! Your future's so bright you gotta wear shades!

  • Mike Reynolds

    Way to step up brother! Your future's so bright you gotta wear shades!

  • Raelene

    I love your openness and honesty.

    …”blaming my wife for my expectations.” That hit home with me in a lot of ways. Thanks for sharing JB.

  • Raelene

    I love your openness and honesty.

    …”blaming my wife for my expectations.” That hit home with me in a lot of ways. Thanks for sharing JB.

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  • Chad

    It's 2 in the morning and I just got done watching “Up In The Air”. My wife is asleep on the couch and she is so beautiful. I know what you have been going through and I can't help thinking that God has us on an incredible adventure called Marriage. We never know what exactly the fight of our lives is going to be?

    (Matthew 19:4-6) 4 He answered, ““Haven’t you read that he who made them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, ‘For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall join to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh?’ 6 So that they are no more two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, don’t let man tear apart.””

  • Chad

    It's 2 in the morning and I just got done watching “Up In The Air”. My wife is asleep on the couch and she is so beautiful. I know what you have been going through and I can't help thinking that God has us on an incredible adventure called Marriage. We never know what exactly the fight of our lives is going to be?

    (Matthew 19:4-6) 4 He answered, ““Haven’t you read that he who made them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, ‘For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall join to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh?’ 6 So that they are no more two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, don’t let man tear apart.””

  • http://jonathanbrink.com Jonathan Brink

    thanks bro.

  • http://jonathanbrink.com Jonathan Brink

    thanks bro.

  • http://jonathanbrink.com Jonathan Brink

    Thank you Raelene.

  • http://jonathanbrink.com Jonathan Brink

    Thank you Raelene.

Business development and communications for growing businesses.