The Brilliance of Forgiveness
What if part of our own restoration really lies in the palm of our hands?
I had a very deep conversation with a friend of mine recently about forgiveness. He was wrestling with the squabbles he and his wife were having. It was nothing major, but the minor stuff was building into something major. And I asked him if he could own his stuff first. Instantly he retorted back, “Not until she owns her stuff first.”
And for several weeks the issues continued to build. In fact, he wasn’t just conscious of the squabbles. He was now fully aware that she wasn’t doing anything about them. His anger was continuing to grow as he recognized her lack of action.
You can easily see where this is going, can’t you.
We met for coffee because he was suffering some of the consequences of his own anger. They seemed to constantly get into fights. And I asked him, “Have you dealt with your own stuff first?” I could see his mind twirl, consciously processing a new reality that had not crossed his mind.
“No,” he said. “I want her to take care of her stuff first.”
“Why?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” he responded.
I sat across the table from him recognizing that I knew that moment so clearly in my life. The child in me wants others to act first. I refuse to move even at the expense of my own restoration. My pride wells up inside of me asking the world to bow at my feet. I didn’t say anything after that because my friend was lost in his thoughts. We sipped coffee and then had to go.
About two weeks later I ran into my friend and he had this big smile on his face. He was standing with his wife and his arm was tightly wrapped around her. Something had changed. I walked up to him and gave him a big hug and whispered in his ear, “What happened?”
“I chose to seek her forgiveness,” came the reply. Turns out my friend had turned a corner at the coffee shop. He went home and sat his wife down and sought out her forgiveness, nothing more. He owned his stuff. And what surprised him was that the moment he opened the door for himself, he inadvertently opened it for her. She instantly sought out his forgiveness. The moment he gave up his own stuff, he got what he wanted. It was for my friend a reunion of sorts for his marriage.
What is it about showing the other person the third way, the way of Jesus that is so restorative? And why is it so hard to make the first move? I hate that. It never ceases to surprise me when we seek forgiveness, we almost instantly releases the other person to do the same. We hold in our hands the capacity to bring restoration to the world around us, yet we hold on thinking it protects us. But when we let go, owning our own stuff, we seem to gain so much more than we ever imagined.
Listening to: Love Remains The Same by Gavin Rossdale
If you enjoyed this post, please consider to leave a comment or subscribe to the feed and get future articles delivered to your feed reader.
-
Amy
-
Adam
