Top 50 Possible Reasons Why You’re Not Emergent
April 8, 2008 by jonathanbrink
In the spirit of the new book, Why We’re Not Emergent, the accompanying website, and this post, I thought I’d present the Top 50 Possible Reasons Why You’re Not Emergent.
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50. They’re all a bunch of false prophets. Really, that’s what they told me
49. My mother will disown me.
48. I just don’t like Doug Pagitt. He scares me.
47. I heard from a famous pastor that Emergent is from the debil.
46. I don’t like Rob Bell’s hair.
45. The word Emergent is not in the Bible.
44. It’s just not allowed in the Vanderhoeven family.
43. I heard Calvin would simply not approve
42. Mark Driscoll told me I couldn’t.
41. I’m just not “certain” yet it’s the right way to go.
40. I heard from this guy who knew this lady who had a brother who was Emergent and he went blind doing it.
39. I enjoy being a skeptic.
38. I didn’t learn about Emergent in seminary so I’m not going to start now.
37. I like being on the bigger team.
36. I heard you had to take yoga.
35. I’ve heard from a famous prison ministry guy they don’t believe in the Bible.
34. Where would I be without absolute truth.
33. Tony Jones went to Princeton Theological Seminary…that liberal.
32. They didn’t teach this in Alpha.
31. I’m not white.
30. I’m over 40.
29. I don’t have any cool, black eyeglasses.
28. I don’t like coffee or Guinness.
27. It’s immoral to smoke pipes or cigars.
26. They haven’t yet come up with my denomination of Presbymergent
25. Emergents read unapproved books.
24. I’m allergic to candles.
23. I like Jesus but not Emergent.
22. Brian McLaren’s books are not theologically correct. I’m not sure why, I just know they are.
21. I like my Christianity strong and hot.
20. The orthodoxy police will bust me.
19. I’m not uber-cool. In fact, I don’t even know what “uber” means.
18. I don’t understand it and I don’t want to.
17. If it doesn’t have the letters SBC in it, I’m not interested.
16. All they want to do is love. Where’s the truth in that?
15. I’m a bullhorn type of guy.
14. I prefer Joel Osteen.
13. I just finally bought into fundamentalism and you want me to shift?
12. I don’t really want a generous orthodoxy.
11. I refuse to switch to Apple
10. I can’t. I go to John MacArthur’s church.
9. My friends will think I’m a heretic.
8. I already was a New (Kind of) Christian.
7. I refuse to grow a soul patch
6. Hell fire and brimstone works just fine, thank you.
5. I don’t like loud, rock music at church. It’s a sin.
4. Their hermeneutic of ecclesiology is unorthodox, fundamentally esoteric and meandering. It borders on epistemological ambiguity that is really troublesome. I’m afraid it will lead to heretical uncertainty of the most pernicious kind.
3. But then I might have to really have faith.
2. Brian McLaren is the debil.
And the number one possible reason Why You’re Not Emergent is:
1. The emerging church is so yesterday.
——————————————————
Just in case you were wondering. The answer is yes, this is humor.
put me down for 11 and 28
oh, and I love number 10. Reading his stuff helped push me into my agnostic years.
I second number 29 & 7. I went to a (A29) church planting conference a while ago and it seemed that 9/10 of the guys there had both. One guy was so uber-cool that he had the black glasses, a soul patch, AND mutton chops!
Seriously what’s up with the soul patch and black glasses?
As a side note I cannot grow a soul patch, I have not shaved under my lip for months and the 5 hairs that are there are maybe 1/8 inch long. But when I get new glasses here in a few months I will be getting the awesome black glasses. They’ll make me look smart!
That’s funny!
That’s not funny at all. To lump non-absolute truth and the debil in the same list as Apple is just plain heretical. After all, God obviously designed the world using a MAC.
Very funny, and #14 and #24 made me laugh out loud!
I missed the Apple one, That settles it, I cannot be Emergent! Well, that is unless we are talking about iPod/iPhone only…
#4 - fits me just fine! But, if I like engaging in #s 27 and 28, does that mean I am emergent?
ROFLOL debil, is his nemesis jebus?
#19 for me… even if i do know what uber means…
classic. i love it.
i refuse to grow a soul patch too.
I think that’s a good idea Cindy.
oh crud … I’m Emergent … now what? I didn’t want to be …
You’re in the club Rick. Sit and relax a while. Let me get you a Guinness.
Oh darn. I guess I will have to go back to being a fundamentalist rather than use a MAC.
Perhaps you should add, “I don’t have a blog” to that list of reasons…
that’s a good one Adam
Rick - I can knit you a beanie, you’ll fit in better
“If only emerging types would learn to all be the same, then I could get with their program….”
Uniformity in rebelling
if someone proved you wrong, would you even listen?
Absolutely gnawing.
that’s a very telling question - very often critics are heavily “post enlightenment” very big on proof - I think jonathan was gracious in his response, I would have to ask “what do you mean “proved” wrong?” how exactly would one going about that? and in what way are we talking about
Makeesha,
It was me who posted that - under the wrong tag (my apologies). Proved wrong, as in, a Christian/Christ follower who wasn’t necessarily emergent nor the opposing (according to the list).
What about someone who sees Joel Osteen for who he is, doesn’t prefer MacArthur, nor Pagett, nor have anything to do with the southern baptists. Then what? What if I enjoy coffee, beer, cigarettes, mainstream music AND call myself a Christian but don’t necessarily agree with Emergent theology? What if my parents aren’t Christian and the only thing that brought me this far was the Holy Spirit?
I did think some of these were pretty comical (uber) but it’s difficult to deny that there is some truth there and that’s where the bight is.
I dunno.
For all of the time that we spend trying to get out of boxes, or attempting to prove ourselves that we’re not in the box…
…Sometimes I’m not sure that we even want people to change our minds. Because then, what we would have to fight against? Who would be the enemy against our cause?
I just wondered if Jonathan wants to hear otherwise…
sorry - those were me…
Gnawing, then you are who you are. I have no problem with that. I don’t want people agreeing for the sake of conformity.
Raquel, you don’t like Guiness?
I don’t honestly like beer very much, I’m more of a long island ice tea kinda gal (ya know, the kind that don’t taste like alcohol).
But Jonathan, my point is that not all people who disagree with emerging theology (for lack of a better word) are rigid poo heads that are unable to think for themselves. Essentially, it FELT like that’s what the 50 list was saying.
Maybe I’m off.
Raquel, I can’t determine how you feel and what you think it’s saying. Only you can.
raquel - yeah, jonathan pretty much said it, you are who you are. I think maybe you’re taking this too literally and too seriously. If you are how you describe “that person” and you don’t want to call yourself emergent then yay for you - I mean, I know that sounds dismissive but really, emergent isn’t evangelistic in the sense of trying to get others to be emergent. Emergent is a place for people who need a place. If you don’t need a place then that’s great! Stay where you are and God speed.
as for how you feel about number 50 - like jonathan said, you have to own those feelings. I think Jonathan’s intent with this list is pretty clear.
one thing about emergents, we generally don’t get as put off with stereotypes, critique, etc as many people think - we actually don’t take ourselves that seriously
sorry that was me, logged into my work account
I’m over 40, I do not own cool black eyeglasses, I will not grow a soul patch, I won’t start taking yoga or smoking cigars or pipes.
Can I still be emergent?
[...] Top 50 Possible Reasons Why You’re Not Emergent (HT: Mike Clawson) [...]
Tom, I certainly hope so. I’m 41, would look ridiculous in a soul patch, have never done yoga or smoked a pipe.
So tell me…if I started off as a Mac user and backslid, am evangelical, call myself and try to live as a servant, don’t like Guiness (like Long Island Iced Teas and Caribbean Fruity drinks), still attend an SBC church (a big one at that), and actually believe most if not all of what the Bible says in a literal sense…can I join the club? Do I belong? Am I just confused?
Just kidding (mostly)…GREAT LIST!
Pharisee, as the great emergents say, “Good question.” JK.
The list is not all or nothing. And was purely for fun. (mostly)
this conversation strikes me as so many like this do at how personally many people take a “movement” of which they do not feel a part or have issues with. I’m not sure if it’s jealousy or fear or what but often people “protest too much” when they suggest they aren’t __ (insert movement or label) as if the movement/label actually cared one way or the other.
Emergents are very much about relationship - but we want that relationship to be built on respect and authenticity - so while we’d love to have more friend to have conversations with, we don’t want it at the expense of a loss of those things. In other words, if you don’t want to join the conversation, we don’t want you to and we don’t look down on anyone who chooses not to participate because emergent was started by people who didn’t have anywhere else to go - if we “fit” in your world, we’d still be there.
anyway, to those who find themselves getting tiffy about this list or anything like this, try not to take it so personally because it’s really not about you
How about #51: I have a tough time believing that the Church went off the rails before 100 AD with true Biblical interpretation just now being rediscovered.
11, 28 and 29 work well, too.
fantastically fun.
Jonathan,
Very true. However, wasn’t that the intention? To poke a bit of fun at people that you don’t feel accepted by?
Makeesha,
But I certainly could be way off; as you know, it’s difficult to get emotions across via the web. As for taking it personally, I’m not sure that I did, nor do, take the (nor any) ‘movement’ in that way. Maybe I’m not being clear… (did I come off as tiffy?)
I’m not sure that I was taking Jonathan out of context (as he said, ‘it was purely for fun. mostly.’
And while I understand that ‘emergent’ began with a group of people who felt outside of the norm and thus are very community focused, isn’t about more than that? I mean it’s more than just feelings, it seems. It’s seems more like a divergence of beliefs. The beliefs were different thus leaving people feeling on the outside. Right? It’s more than just guiness and glasses. I could be way off, but the core is difference in beleifs, not just the appearance. ..right?
The point that I was trying to make is that, appearance (and action) wise a lot of people fit under the 50 (including myself). But theology is where things get a bit sticky.
Raquel, this list pokes just as much fun at emergents as it does anyone else. I could name ten things on this list that I am not, as I stated in a previous comment.
I also mentioned theology in several of the points.
Could you be taking this a little too seriously? Maybe.
I would offer the core is how much room one allows for people with differences of opinion/beliefs, and if we place “orthodoxy” over unity and relationship. See: http://mendingshift.wordpress.com/2008/03/27/gods-truth-and-our-truth%e2%80%94two-perceptions/
yes of course it’s about more than just appearance or feelings. I’m not sure what I said that would send a message otherwise.
of course theology is where things can get “sticky”
I’m not exactly sure what you’re getting at Raquel
Jonathan, maybe I did take it more seriously than intended.
my apologies
Oh, man–that’s a great burn on (E)emergent.
Very nice.
Great use of humor.
I have one problem.
How can you have a problem with Rob Bell’s hair and not even mention Dan Kimball’s hair???? Rumor has it he spends a solid hour on that sucker. If you’ve got Bell’s hair, you’ve gotta get Kimball on there or else I’ll have to doubt the validity of your list. Please address this oversight.
Thank You.
*snort*
Coffee. Out. Nose.
Ouch.
*snort*
HAHAHAHAHA
Oh man I needed that. Thanks.
[...] 50 Reasons Why You’re Not Emergent [...]
Ed, you got me.
Raquel,
You asked about “emergent” people having different beliefs. I don’t know if you could characterize the groups belief… if it’s even a group that can be characterized. I think that’s the point of the list. It is hard to argue with “emergent,” because as soon as you do you are joining the conversation and then… well who is to say you don’t belong? I go to a church that is pretty connected with Driscoll and Keller and is pretty reformed theologically, but I really like the process and attitude that seems to go along with being “emergent” more than I like the attitude towards knowledge and theology that I’ve experienced in other churches. So while my beliefs my not stray too far from my reformed roots, my openness to discussion and an understanding of my own intellectual limitiations makes me feel really refreshed and excited about emergent conversation.
anyway, point being, I think the list really just points out the difficulties in even defining what you are “not” if you aren’t emergent. Like Jonathan said, I don’t fit everthing on the list. I mean I personally hate sole patches and I think black glasses are really passé and I have no idea what people are talking about when they say “emergent theology.” I do like guinness and cigars though : )
I especially like
21. I like my Christianity strong and hot.
Ha!
[...] For a chuckle, here’s my parting gift. [...]
Ed - ROFLOL
I don’t know Sarah… I honestly don’t feel accepted by those in the EC - even though my lifestyle is similar, because my doctrine is dissimilar. I have more in common with those in the EC for my cultural sorts of choices than I do with the people on Jonathan’s list, but am not welcome because of the sorts of things I take a stand on…
I come to here as a search for the truth of Bible. But I add one number to your list, sir. I do not wish to be emergent in church for reason of no Bible verse. I search of many sites but I find no Bible verse. What do you teach about God if there is no Bible verse?
This a question not to offend. Just for curious.
50 Good Reasons To Be Submergent…
Pretty funny stuff here from Missio Dei : I heard you had to take yoga. I’m not white. Brian McLaren’s books are not theologically correct. I’m not sure why, I just know they are. I prefer Joel Osteen. I refuse……
Love 32, 8 was pretty much my reaction to reading ANKOC - Just, “Well, yah.” But I went to the “liberal” Christian university (nay, college) outside Philly so I guess that explains it.
Some of the items were a bit “fanged” though. I mean if you’re going to send a jab Chuck Colson’s way (and I do think his critiques are a bit “off”
at least give the guy the dignity of mentioning his name in the point.
I only say this because I know how isolated I feel when people attack me as “the/that pastor” rather than acknowledge my name.
[...] historian and emergent church enthusiast, Bill J. Leonard, an emergent makeover, complete with black glasses and soul patch. You might remember Leonard from Homebrewed Christianity 2, part 1 and part 2. He comes back up [...]
Dang! I thought I was emergent until I read #30. I am over 40. When those under 40 go over 40 will they have to find a new movement??
I have 2 Macs and just got my 30yr old son to get one. Does that redeem me?
Seriously though––I think *Emergent* can be and should be intergenerational.
Thanks for the laughs.
Robyn, key word is “possible”. If the emerging church cut those over 40 out, then I would be excluded.
In fact that idea sounds like an old movie called Logan’s Run. Once you reach a certain age they exterminate you. Ugh.
what do you mean nicole?
I mean that while I love Richards Red and coffee, have no interest in Joel Osteen, love U2, would rather “be the church” than go to church, believe that love is sorely neglected in our churches, am not a bullhorn type, like being cool some days, would love to own a Mac my doctrinal beliefs separate me enough from the EC to not feel accepted by those in it…. There is a lot of questioning going on, but shame on me for having traditional answers for them.
I would assume that even though my lifestyle reflects the concepts preached by ECs better than their own does most of the time, I am still on the outside of things because I have different conclusions theologically. I’m still considered too conservative, fundamental, evangelical, baptist what have you….
I have felt the same enthusiasm for the ideals that Sarah is expressing - but if she thinks she can adhere to any sort of reformed theology in the EC she’s in for disappointment. That’s all I was trying to say.
[...] a much lighter side, someone posted a listing of the “Top 50 Possible Reasons Why You’re Not Emergent” somewhat in response to the book “Why We’re Not Emergent: by Two Guys Who [...]
I still don’t understand what you’re saying. Aren’t you aware of all the “conservative” emergents? I guess I’m still unclear as to what you’re getting at, it sounds like you’re saying emergents don’t welcome you. If these have been your personal experiences in cohorts or something I’m sorry for that but it’s not characteristic of all of emergent.
If you want to be part of the conversation, you can and you are welcome - as Tony Jones says, you’re welcome in the conversation as long as you don’t hold certain “distinctives” (like women not being allowed behind the pulpit for example) higher than the friendships.
I’m also not sure what to do with this:
“I would assume that even though my lifestyle reflects the concepts preached by ECs better than their own does most of the time”
?? really?? I’m not sure that reflects the humility for which you say you strive
oh and I think I’m logged in under my family account, makeesha.com is my main site
One of my mentors and good friend is very Reformed in his theology, yet he holds it very generously and considers himself a friend of emergent. What I mean is this: I think the main dividing issue is how much room do we allow for other opinions/theologies? This is true whether you are Reformed, Baptism, Catholic, etc… I am sure there are many others who consider themselves reformed and a friend of the emerging church as well. In fact, the Presbyterian denomination is founded on reformed theology (all be it not hyper-Calvinism) and it is one of the denominations really embracing and experimenting with the emerging church ways in our postmodern society. I don’t think it is fair to lump all reformed-theology-types as outside of emergent and in for a disappointment. Just because you feel that way does not mean every reformed-theology-type does.
The previous comment was in reply to Nicole’s.
A Guinness is a great reason to be emergent!
iggy
[...] is a funny blog on the Top 50 reasons why you’re not emergent. Paul this one is for you, it is [...]
To Mak:
I guess I am unaware of conservative emergents… And, while I deeply value friendships and relationships, I would say that there are some things that stand strong enough in my mind to be a dividing line; where I might say what separates us is greater than what unites us (women in leadership would not be an example of this).
My comment about my lifestyle was not humble at all - for which I apologize. I won’t even try to re-explain what I meant, it was ungracious in it’s tone, and I am sorry.
To Jeromy:
Fair enough. I hear you saying pretty much what Mak did. I suppose I made an unfair overarching statement, and I rescind.
# 51 - If it aint in the bible, it aint true.
# 52 - No I don’t blog. I can’t dance.
# 53 - God told me to vote for George Bush.
# 54 - God told me to set gays straight.
# 55 - I don’t have a capuccino machine.
rob
[...] April 20, 2008 by jonathanbrink Jake Bouma called me subversive. He even gave me an award for it. I won it for this post, Top 50 Possible Reasons Why You’re Not Emergent. [...]
#44 - I would happily adopt any of you, if you’d like a “valid” excuse to get or stay out Ü
theMOMvdH
well … I am late to this …
I have black eyeglasses, but I’d look very funny if I tried to grow a soul patch, so I’ll pass on that
The rest of this is very funny … however … I do think that the emerging church/conversation needs to dramatically expand it’s beer horizons. Guiness is just too … narrow and restrictive. There are so many, many good micro-brews out there to be tasted, and enjoyed.
Guiness, the Budweiser of stouts … too industrial.
[...] Solltest du das nicht wollen, eignet sich der Beitrag auch um einmal kräftig zu lachen: Top 50 Possible Reasons Why You’re Not Emergent! (via [...]
He went blind doing it?? Really?? Gosh!