Top 50 Possible Reasons Why You’re Not Emergent

Posted by Jonathan Brink

April 8, 2008

In the spirit of the new book, Why We’re Not Emergent, the accompanying website, and this post, I thought I’d present the Top 50 Possible Reasons Why You’re Not Emergent.

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50. They’re all a bunch of false prophets. Really, that’s what they told me

49. My mother will disown me.

48. I just don’t like Doug Pagitt. He scares me.

47. I heard from a famous pastor that Emergent is from the debil.

46. I don’t like Rob Bell’s hair.

45. The word Emergent is not in the Bible.

44. It’s just not allowed in the Vanderhoeven family.

43. I heard Calvin would simply not approve

42. Mark Driscoll told me I couldn’t.

41. I’m just not “certain” yet it’s the right way to go.

40. I heard from this guy who knew this lady who had a brother who was Emergent and he went blind doing it.

39. I enjoy being a skeptic.

38. I didn’t learn about Emergent in seminary so I’m not going to start now.

37. I like being on the bigger team.

36. I heard you had to take yoga.

35. I’ve heard from a famous prison ministry guy they don’t believe in the Bible.

34. Where would I be without absolute truth.

33. Tony Jones went to Princeton Theological Seminary…that liberal.

32. They didn’t teach this in Alpha.

31. I’m not white.

30. I’m over 40.

29. I don’t have any cool, black eyeglasses.

28. I don’t like coffee or Guinness.

27. It’s immoral to smoke pipes or cigars.

26. They haven’t yet come up with my denomination of Presbymergent

25. Emergents read unapproved books.

24. I’m allergic to candles.

23. I like Jesus but not Emergent.

22. Brian McLaren’s books are not theologically correct. I’m not sure why, I just know they are.

21. I like my Christianity strong and hot.

20. The orthodoxy police will bust me.

19. I’m not uber-cool. In fact, I don’t even know what “uber” means.

18. I don’t understand it and I don’t want to.

17. If it doesn’t have the letters SBC in it, I’m not interested.

16. All they want to do is love. Where’s the truth in that?

15. I’m a bullhorn type of guy.

14. I prefer Joel Osteen.

13. I just finally bought into fundamentalism and you want me to shift?

12. I don’t really want a generous orthodoxy.

11. I refuse to switch to Apple

10. I can’t. I go to John MacArthur’s church.

9. My friends will think I’m a heretic.

8. I already was a New (Kind of) Christian.

7. I refuse to grow a soul patch

6. Hell fire and brimstone works just fine, thank you.

5. I don’t like loud, rock music at church. It’s a sin.

4. Their hermeneutic of ecclesiology is unorthodox, fundamentally esoteric and meandering. It borders on epistemological ambiguity that is really troublesome. I’m afraid it will lead to heretical uncertainty of the most pernicious kind.

3. But then I might have to really have faith.

2. Brian McLaren is the debil.

And the number one possible reason Why You’re Not Emergent is:

1. The emerging church is so yesterday.

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Just in case you were wondering. The answer is yes, this is humor.

Share and Enjoy:

Emerging Church, Rob Bell, doctrine, humor, postmodern

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Jim

put me down for 11 and 28

oh, and I love number 10. Reading his stuff helped push me into my agnostic years.

Daniel

I second number 29 & 7. I went to a (A29) church planting conference a while ago and it seemed that 9/10 of the guys there had both. One guy was so uber-cool that he had the black glasses, a soul patch, AND mutton chops!

Seriously what's up with the soul patch and black glasses?

As a side note I cannot grow a soul patch, I have not shaved under my lip for months and the 5 hairs that are there are maybe 1/8 inch long. But when I get new glasses here in a few months I will be getting the awesome black glasses. They'll make me look smart!

Chad

That's funny!

Jeromy

That's not funny at all. To lump non-absolute truth and the debil in the same list as Apple is just plain heretical. After all, God obviously designed the world using a MAC.

Tracy Simmons

Very funny, and #14 and #24 made me laugh out loud!

Daniel

I missed the Apple one, That settles it, I cannot be Emergent! Well, that is unless we are talking about iPod/iPhone only...

Dave

#4 - fits me just fine! But, if I like engaging in #s 27 and 28, does that mean I am emergent?

makeesha

ROFLOL debil, is his nemesis jebus? ;)

Tim Jones

#19 for me... even if i do know what uber means...

blake

classic. i love it.

cindy

i refuse to grow a soul patch too.

jonathanbrink

I think that's a good idea Cindy.

Rick

oh crud ... I'm Emergent ... now what? I didn't want to be ...

jonathanbrink

You're in the club Rick. Sit and relax a while. Let me get you a Guinness. ;-)

Adam

Oh darn. I guess I will have to go back to being a fundamentalist rather than use a MAC.

Perhaps you should add, "I don't have a blog" to that list of reasons...

makeesha

that's a good one Adam

Rick - I can knit you a beanie, you'll fit in better

Tim

"If only emerging types would learn to all be the same, then I could get with their program...."
Uniformity in rebelling

gnawing_away

if someone proved you wrong, would you even listen?

jonathanbrink

Absolutely gnawing.

makeesha

that's a very telling question - very often critics are heavily "post enlightenment" very big on proof - I think jonathan was gracious in his response, I would have to ask "what do you mean "proved" wrong?" how exactly would one going about that? and in what way are we talking about

gnawing_away

Makeesha,
It was me who posted that - under the wrong tag (my apologies). Proved wrong, as in, a Christian/Christ follower who wasn't necessarily emergent nor the opposing (according to the list).
What about someone who sees Joel Osteen for who he is, doesn't prefer MacArthur, nor Pagett, nor have anything to do with the southern baptists. Then what? What if I enjoy coffee, beer, cigarettes, mainstream music AND call myself a Christian but don't necessarily agree with Emergent theology? What if my parents aren't Christian and the only thing that brought me this far was the Holy Spirit?
I did think some of these were pretty comical (uber) but it's difficult to deny that there is some truth there and that's where the bight is.
I dunno.
For all of the time that we spend trying to get out of boxes, or attempting to prove ourselves that we're not in the box...
...Sometimes I'm not sure that we even want people to change our minds. Because then, what we would have to fight against? Who would be the enemy against our cause?
I just wondered if Jonathan wants to hear otherwise...

Raquelamisto

sorry - those were me...

jonathanbrink

Gnawing, then you are who you are. I have no problem with that. I don't want people agreeing for the sake of conformity.

jonathanbrink

Raquel, you don't like Guiness? ;-)

Raquelamisto

I don't honestly like beer very much, I'm more of a long island ice tea kinda gal (ya know, the kind that don't taste like alcohol).

But Jonathan, my point is that not all people who disagree with emerging theology (for lack of a better word) are rigid poo heads that are unable to think for themselves. Essentially, it FELT like that's what the 50 list was saying.

Maybe I'm off.

jonathanbrink

Raquel, I can't determine how you feel and what you think it's saying. Only you can.

redfrogdesign

raquel - yeah, jonathan pretty much said it, you are who you are. I think maybe you're taking this too literally and too seriously. If you are how you describe "that person" and you don't want to call yourself emergent then yay for you - I mean, I know that sounds dismissive but really, emergent isn't evangelistic in the sense of trying to get others to be emergent. Emergent is a place for people who need a place. If you don't need a place then that's great! Stay where you are and God speed.

as for how you feel about number 50 - like jonathan said, you have to own those feelings. I think Jonathan's intent with this list is pretty clear.

one thing about emergents, we generally don't get as put off with stereotypes, critique, etc as many people think - we actually don't take ourselves that seriously

makeesha

sorry that was me, logged into my work account

Tom

I'm over 40, I do not own cool black eyeglasses, I will not grow a soul patch, I won't start taking yoga or smoking cigars or pipes.

Can I still be emergent?

jonathanbrink

Tom, I certainly hope so. I'm 41, would look ridiculous in a soul patch, have never done yoga or smoked a pipe.

Just Another Recovering Pharis

So tell me...if I started off as a Mac user and backslid, am evangelical, call myself and try to live as a servant, don't like Guiness (like Long Island Iced Teas and Caribbean Fruity drinks), still attend an SBC church (a big one at that), and actually believe most if not all of what the Bible says in a literal sense...can I join the club? Do I belong? Am I just confused?

Just kidding (mostly)...GREAT LIST!

jonathanbrink

Pharisee, as the great emergents say, "Good question." JK.

The list is not all or nothing. And was purely for fun. (mostly)

makeesha

this conversation strikes me as so many like this do at how personally many people take a "movement" of which they do not feel a part or have issues with. I'm not sure if it's jealousy or fear or what but often people "protest too much" when they suggest they aren't __ (insert movement or label) as if the movement/label actually cared one way or the other.

Emergents are very much about relationship - but we want that relationship to be built on respect and authenticity - so while we'd love to have more friend to have conversations with, we don't want it at the expense of a loss of those things. In other words, if you don't want to join the conversation, we don't want you to and we don't look down on anyone who chooses not to participate because emergent was started by people who didn't have anywhere else to go - if we "fit" in your world, we'd still be there.

anyway, to those who find themselves getting tiffy about this list or anything like this, try not to take it so personally because it's really not about you :)

MamasBoy

How about #51: I have a tough time believing that the Church went off the rails before 100 AD with true Biblical interpretation just now being rediscovered.

11, 28 and 29 work well, too.

Bryan Riley

fantastically fun.

Raquelamisto

Jonathan,
Very true. However, wasn't that the intention? To poke a bit of fun at people that you don't feel accepted by?

Makeesha,
I'm not sure that I was taking Jonathan out of context (as he said, 'it was purely for fun. mostly.') But I certainly could be way off; as you know, it's difficult to get emotions across via the web. As for taking it personally, I'm not sure that I did, nor do, take the (nor any) 'movement' in that way. Maybe I'm not being clear... (did I come off as tiffy?)

And while I understand that 'emergent' began with a group of people who felt outside of the norm and thus are very community focused, isn't about more than that? I mean it's more than just feelings, it seems. It's seems more like a divergence of beliefs. The beliefs were different thus leaving people feeling on the outside. Right? It's more than just guiness and glasses. I could be way off, but the core is difference in beleifs, not just the appearance. ..right?

The point that I was trying to make is that, appearance (and action) wise a lot of people fit under the 50 (including myself). But theology is where things get a bit sticky.

jonathanbrink

Raquel, this list pokes just as much fun at emergents as it does anyone else. I could name ten things on this list that I am not, as I stated in a previous comment.

I also mentioned theology in several of the points.

Could you be taking this a little too seriously? Maybe.

Jeromy

I would offer the core is how much room one allows for people with differences of opinion/beliefs, and if we place "orthodoxy" over unity and relationship. See: http://mendingshift.wordpress.com/2008/03/27/go...

Mak

yes of course it's about more than just appearance or feelings. I'm not sure what I said that would send a message otherwise.

of course theology is where things can get "sticky"

I'm not exactly sure what you're getting at Raquel

Raquelamisto

Jonathan, maybe I did take it more seriously than intended.

my apologies

JakeT

Oh, man--that's a great burn on (E)emergent.

Very nice.

ed cyzewski

Great use of humor.

I have one problem.

How can you have a problem with Rob Bell's hair and not even mention Dan Kimball's hair???? Rumor has it he spends a solid hour on that sucker. If you've got Bell's hair, you've gotta get Kimball on there or else I'll have to doubt the validity of your list. Please address this oversight. :)

Thank You.

Ronni

*snort*

Coffee. Out. Nose.

Ouch.

*snort*

HAHAHAHAHA

Oh man I needed that. Thanks.

jonathanbrink

Ed, you got me.

Sarah Lynne

Raquel,

You asked about "emergent" people having different beliefs. I don't know if you could characterize the groups belief... if it's even a group that can be characterized. I think that's the point of the list. It is hard to argue with "emergent," because as soon as you do you are joining the conversation and then... well who is to say you don't belong? I go to a church that is pretty connected with Driscoll and Keller and is pretty reformed theologically, but I really like the process and attitude that seems to go along with being "emergent" more than I like the attitude towards knowledge and theology that I've experienced in other churches. So while my beliefs my not stray too far from my reformed roots, my openness to discussion and an understanding of my own intellectual limitiations makes me feel really refreshed and excited about emergent conversation.

anyway, point being, I think the list really just points out the difficulties in even defining what you are "not" if you aren't emergent. Like Jonathan said, I don't fit everthing on the list. I mean I personally hate sole patches and I think black glasses are really passé and I have no idea what people are talking about when they say "emergent theology." I do like guinness and cigars though : )

zoecarnate

I especially like

21. I like my Christianity strong and hot.

Ha!

Mak

Ed - ROFLOL

Nicole

I don't know Sarah... I honestly don't feel accepted by those in the EC - even though my lifestyle is similar, because my doctrine is dissimilar. I have more in common with those in the EC for my cultural sorts of choices than I do with the people on Jonathan's list, but am not welcome because of the sorts of things I take a stand on...

Pablao

I come to here as a search for the truth of Bible. But I add one number to your list, sir. I do not wish to be emergent in church for reason of no Bible verse. I search of many sites but I find no Bible verse. What do you teach about God if there is no Bible verse?

This a question not to offend. Just for curious.

wezlo

Love 32, 8 was pretty much my reaction to reading ANKOC - Just, "Well, yah." But I went to the "liberal" Christian university (nay, college) outside Philly so I guess that explains it.

Some of the items were a bit "fanged" though. I mean if you're going to send a jab Chuck Colson's way (and I do think his critiques are a bit "off") at least give the guy the dignity of mentioning his name in the point.

I only say this because I know how isolated I feel when people attack me as "the/that pastor" rather than acknowledge my name.

Robyn_E

Dang! I thought I was emergent until I read #30. I am over 40. When those under 40 go over 40 will they have to find a new movement??:D I have 2 Macs and just got my 30yr old son to get one. Does that redeem me?

Seriously though––I think *Emergent* can be and should be intergenerational.

Thanks for the laughs.

jonathanbrink

Robyn, key word is "possible". If the emerging church cut those over 40 out, then I would be excluded. ;-)

In fact that idea sounds like an old movie called Logan's Run. Once you reach a certain age they exterminate you. Ugh.

Mak

what do you mean nicole?

Nicole

I mean that while I love Richards Red and coffee, have no interest in Joel Osteen, love U2, would rather "be the church" than go to church, believe that love is sorely neglected in our churches, am not a bullhorn type, like being cool some days, would love to own a Mac my doctrinal beliefs separate me enough from the EC to not feel accepted by those in it.... There is a lot of questioning going on, but shame on me for having traditional answers for them.

I would assume that even though my lifestyle reflects the concepts preached by ECs better than their own does most of the time, I am still on the outside of things because I have different conclusions theologically. I'm still considered too conservative, fundamental, evangelical, baptist what have you....

I have felt the same enthusiasm for the ideals that Sarah is expressing - but if she thinks she can adhere to any sort of reformed theology in the EC she's in for disappointment. That's all I was trying to say.

Mak

I still don't understand what you're saying. Aren't you aware of all the "conservative" emergents? I guess I'm still unclear as to what you're getting at, it sounds like you're saying emergents don't welcome you. If these have been your personal experiences in cohorts or something I'm sorry for that but it's not characteristic of all of emergent.

If you want to be part of the conversation, you can and you are welcome - as Tony Jones says, you're welcome in the conversation as long as you don't hold certain "distinctives" (like women not being allowed behind the pulpit for example) higher than the friendships.

I'm also not sure what to do with this:

"I would assume that even though my lifestyle reflects the concepts preached by ECs better than their own does most of the time"

?? really?? I'm not sure that reflects the humility for which you say you strive

Mak

oh and I think I'm logged in under my family account, makeesha.com is my main site

Jeromy

One of my mentors and good friend is very Reformed in his theology, yet he holds it very generously and considers himself a friend of emergent. What I mean is this: I think the main dividing issue is how much room do we allow for other opinions/theologies? This is true whether you are Reformed, Baptism, Catholic, etc... I am sure there are many others who consider themselves reformed and a friend of the emerging church as well. In fact, the Presbyterian denomination is founded on reformed theology (all be it not hyper-Calvinism) and it is one of the denominations really embracing and experimenting with the emerging church ways in our postmodern society. I don't think it is fair to lump all reformed-theology-types as outside of emergent and in for a disappointment. Just because you feel that way does not mean every reformed-theology-type does.

Jeromy

The previous comment was in reply to Nicole's.

itodyaso

A Guinness is a great reason to be emergent!

iggy

Nicole

To Mak:

I guess I am unaware of conservative emergents... And, while I deeply value friendships and relationships, I would say that there are some things that stand strong enough in my mind to be a dividing line; where I might say what separates us is greater than what unites us (women in leadership would not be an example of this).

My comment about my lifestyle was not humble at all - for which I apologize. I won't even try to re-explain what I meant, it was ungracious in it's tone, and I am sorry.

To Jeromy:

Fair enough. I hear you saying pretty much what Mak did. I suppose I made an unfair overarching statement, and I rescind.

Rob

# 51 - If it aint in the bible, it aint true.
# 52 - No I don't blog. I can't dance.
# 53 - God told me to vote for George Bush.
# 54 - God told me to set gays straight.
# 55 - I don't have a capuccino machine.

rob

DebbievdH

#44 - I would happily adopt any of you, if you'd like a "valid" excuse to get or stay out Ü

theMOMvdH

sonja

well ... I am late to this ...

I have black eyeglasses, but I'd look very funny if I tried to grow a soul patch, so I'll pass on that ;-)

The rest of this is very funny ... however ... I do think that the emerging church/conversation needs to dramatically expand it's beer horizons. Guiness is just too ... narrow and restrictive. There are so many, many good micro-brews out there to be tasted, and enjoyed.

Guiness, the Budweiser of stouts ... too industrial.

Mark

He went blind doing it?? Really?? Gosh!

vicki gee

51. Because I am a 49 year old widow.
52. I didn't know that thingie is called a soul patch.
53. It's six weeks later and I'm just now getting here.

jonathanbrink

Vicki, you are always welcome here.

frank

Ok #42 is great!! Paggit scares me as well, he needs to lay off the caffeine. I just read the book "why we're not emergent" loved it, can't wait for the sequel.

Peter

51. Aren't they just a bunch of snotty Yankees who think they're better than everyone?

Laurel Esser

This is by far the most randomly commented on blog I've ever read - (maybe i just don't get out into the bog world a whole lot)

Just a fun fact - although I don't know when guiness was created, Luthers wife was know as a fantastic brewmaster and Spurgeon smoked until he was blue in the face.

If it fits that people aren't emergent for the top 50 reasons, are they then the reasons why you are?

Jonathan Brink

Laurel, this was a satirical response to the book mentioned above. I am not a lot of the things mentioned in the list.

Amy

Ha ha ha ha! I love this! Thanks for it!
~Amy :)

Brian

Funny stuff

TheNorEaster

I'm sure this would be a lot funnier if I knew what this Emergent church is all about. I keep hearing things, but I can't make head nor tails of it. No kidding.

This was funny. This was REALLY funny, even though I've been a Christian for quite some time and I have no idea just who in the heck half of the people you're talking about really are.

I can see the problem with "All they want to do is love." Yeah. That's a very big problem in my book. Totally. Completely. You betcha! Yep. I'm sold. No Emergent church for me! No sirree! No way!

I think I'll take The Misfits...

http://thenoreaster.wordpress.com/2008/05/30/th...

Seriously. You should stop by and check it out. We're a rowdy bunch. All three of us. (There were two at the time the video was filmed.)

Jeff Goins

this is funny.

becky

I just found this thanks to Andrew Jones - to this I'd add (but only if you're female) - I lack the necessary ontological equipment to participate.

Jonathan Brink

Becky, that is LOL funny.

john

Exactly!!!
That's about it. But now I can scratch my itchy ears, watch porn in front of my christian friends, cuss in front of my christian friends, slug a couple of pints, drag on some of the good stuff, dig Jesus and Krishna, come out of the closet, take whatever road I want, kick didactics and pedagogy up the ass, make my own truth and validate it by my circle of friends, show people I really understand the dynamics of signifier, sign and the slippage in between. I can now look at the meta-narrative of any narrative and make the meaning mine. I can shout "The author is dead" from the rooftops, as well as "God is dead".

I'm free, free at last to imagine that I am not bound so tight that I cannot return to the tyranny of a God who is a rock. Who is exclusively personifies the Truth the way and the life. Who suffers no rivals. Who brings those who love Him and obey Him to Heaven and who sends those who hate Him, mock Him, disobey Him, ignore Him, to Hell.

Josh Hill

Wow, this is really sad. MacArthur is one of the most well respected pastors in evangelical Christianity today and I would much prefer hearing his teaching then that of the majority of emerging churches.

Jonathan Brink

And you can. ;-P

Scot McKnight

This is one funny post, Jonathan. I'm sitting here laughing.

Hey, and you don't even link to me on your blogroll!

Calvin Wulf

This Calvin approves of emergent!

Jeff

Because the emergent church is just the same old liberalism with a new name. New package, but nothing new, really!!!

Carlos Rizzon

Hi my name is Carlos and just planting a " church" here in Brazil called Igreja Urbana (Urban Church), We don't call ourselves Emergent, but what you wrote is realistic and funny and I could add up a few things in my own context, some said that I would serve beer and ply secular music in the services, funny though they forgot to mention that I would have a few girls (Cheerleaders/serviceleaders ??) @ dressed with miniskirts and doing coreography during the services- Just kidding off course. But liked what you have written and it is funny.