True Reconciliation
Over the last couple of years I have come to the realization that my birth father was a broken man. God has been inviting me into this awareness as I step into what it means to be his age when he was raising me. And as I step into the awareness I am beginning to discover the father that I lost before my parents divorce.
When I was nine my mom picked me up from church one day and told me that my parents were getting a divorce. Waves of emotion crept over me inviting me to create a thick protective shell around my heart. This protective mechanism was my friend. It told me it protected me from further harm that I didn’t really need.
And I lived with this friend for twenty-five years. It helped me destroy just about every relationship I ever had. You see my friend was insanely jealous. He didn’t like new friends so he was constantly telling me that everyone would “eventually” hurt me. And the sad part is that I believed him.
What was interesting was how my friend constantly invited me to get angry at my father. He was always asking me how could someone so close abandon me. He must be evil. I loved my father but there was always something in between us from nine on.
And as very important people began asking me about my friend, I began to realize that he wasn’t really a friend at all. He was an enemy. And he had been feeding me lies for sooooo long.
I remember the first time Jesus asked me to trade in the lies. It was a very painful experience. He kept telling me that he loved me, over and over again. And everything inside of me told me that this was impossible. Daddy’s didn’t do this. Do they? But over time the love began to become irresistible. His love just wouldn’t give in.
The dictionary describes reconcile as,
“to bring into agreement or harmony”
It makes sense to me now. God is inviting us to reconcile so we can see what really is. It’s stepping into an awareness of the truth. It’s shedding the lies that keep us from wholeness and relationship. It’s seeing the other person for what really is behind the fake smile, a broken person. When I embraced this, the sense of freedom I experienced still lives within me today.
And as I began to shed my own lies, I could see my own daddy the way he really was. He never stopped loving me but the reality is that he didn’t know how to love me. I realized that he was a broken man, struggling with his own brokenness in the quiet spaces of his condo. He had no one showing him the love that would restore his soul.
So may we be love to those who need it.
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